A Eulogy: To a Love Lost
6 full months.
6 full months of not hearing your voice every night before I fall in deep slumber. 6 full months of not waking up to a “good morning” message from you. 6 full months of not stealing kisses and planning dates or holding your hand when we go on a drive. 6 full months of not knowing who to call or text when something good or bad happens. And, 6 full months of hoping you’re in a better place and loving you from afar.
How did the last 6 months go by so fast and yet crawl at the same time?
I missed you the most when I moved houses. You weren’t there to help me move my large bed and tables. You weren’t even there to look at houses when I was moving. You liked that stuff. But, you were also kind of lazy at this. Remember you moved your own house on the very last day!
I missed you a lot when I look at my wardrobe. So much of you, and so little of me. You never liked shopping, yet so many of my clothes were chosen by you. And so many, of your clothes crept into my wardrobe without us realizing it. Now you know where your plain black T-shirt is (Tbh, it always fits me better)?
I’m not religious or spiritual. I don’t pray. I don’t assign meaning. We were very much alike in this way. But it left me without a map for how I was to navigate my grief.
I didn’t know how to honor your memory properly, our memory properly. I’m still not sure I do. But every day, I see things that remind me of you, and I see things in me that are you.
The way when someone starts telling me something and I start to listen to understand and not respond. It wasn’t something I did before we met. But, I do it now. And sometimes, I smile at myself. Where did the blabber queen in me go? Do I really talk less and think more now? Haha.
Whenever someone talks to me about something big in their life, I immediately tie it back to all of their big dreams and plans. How your life goal was to always excel in your field and give back to the community? I started something on similar lines, it’s very tiny, but you’d be so proud if you knew.
I miss you a lot when I crack a horrible joke, and no one laughs at it. I can almost picture your face. Sometimes even your very happy silly face. It makes me very happy to just think of it, even if I can’t see it in real-time anymore. I hope your laugh is still as infectious and silly?
I missed you, even more, when I ran a mile in 9 minutes and then when I did 500 burpees in less than an hour. I didn’t know how to tell you. So I just opened my activity status on my Garmin publically and hoped you’d check it. Did you?
But, I missed you the most when I had a death scare a few weeks ago and went to the emergency in the same hospital where you had taken me with a broken leg. Even when my heart was exploding out of my chest, I couldn’t think of anything beyond you.
I know how much you loved me and how happy it would have made you see me moving forward with my life. But mostly, I am just so proud of all of the “you” that lives in me.
It will never have been enough time, but I’m grateful for the time we got.
I love you, for a thousand more.
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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