Some (More) of the Biggest Mistakes Men Make with Women They Want to Pursue
Back in December, I wrote an article titled The Biggest Mistake Men Make with Women They Want to Pursue. To date, it is my most successful article on Medium in terms of views, reads, hours read, and of course, revenue.
More importantly, it really showed me how important it is to write about the shortcomings my gender exhibits when it comes to women; the older I get as a still single man, the more I hear women complain about men. It bothers me.
It honestly reminds me of my high school days, when my female classmates would vent about their boyfriend’s emotion failures or seek comfort from other female counterparts after a vicious breakup. I vowed to be single then, just as I’ve done now.
Singlehood has yielded several solid female friendships where, just like with my sisters, I can ask probing questions about what it’s like to be a woman to get a better understanding of the female perspective.
Doing so has resulted in a sequel to that pocket-fattening original article with a singular focus. I realized that, as unfortunate as it is to admit, men make more than one giant mistake with women they want to pursue.
The following isn’t an all-exhaustive list. It’s an attempt to help my gender understand how important it is to be on your p’s and q’s when it comes to women, especially those you want to pursue.
Say you’re a gentleman in a relationship with a woman that seems out of your league. Because of this, you go above and beyond on a daily basis to show your appreciation of her.
One of her favorite places to go waste time is Target. So, the two of you arrive there on a frigid Winter evening, grateful to be indoors. After perusing every shelf and endcap, you both take your cartload of goods to the self-checkout lane.
It’s there that an attractive male smiles at your girlfriend. She smiles back. It doesn’t last long.
You get VERY upset. She can sense your energy has shifted on the drive home. It’s there, after intense probing, that you finally blow up and accuse her of having a lingering eye…because of a smile.
She tells you you’re easily threatened, to which you say — “You’re just trying to change the subject!”
A fight ensues. It ends with you sleeping on the couch. You refuse to apologize, so you’re stationed there for a while.
Believe it or not, she’s in the right. A smile doesn’t necessarily convey attraction or interest. It’s usually just a friendly gesture, especially with women.
If it lingers, then there might be a problem. But that isn’t the case here. Go back and reread this part from the beginning if you need to.
It’s infuriating to women to be with a man who is easily threatened. It basically signifies a lack of confidence, which may eventually cause them to question why they’re with you (almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy).
Women like men who are confident, not cocky. It makes them feel self-assured and safe.
I had to learn this lesson as well. At one point, I was the easily threatened guy in the scenario at the beginning.
I realized later on that confidence and trust need to go hand-in-hand in order to keep insecurities at bay — confidence that you’re doing your due diligence to keep your woman happy, and trust that because of that, she won’t wander off one day.
There’s nothing wrong with being jealous, but it should be a healthy level of jealousy. The type that says, “I want to be your one and only without sabotaging the prospect of you having male friends.”
Most of the time, they don’t really crave male friendships outside of the one they have with you. They just don’t want to be in a relationship with someone so easily threatened, they cut off their access to guys. That’s when red flags usually start to surface.
Not paying attention to the little details
What do I even mean by the little details? It really means anything and everything. The daily minutiae. The more specific, the better.
For instance, the style of her hair, her makeup, the types of clothes she likes, her favorite things, and her little quirks — like how some women tuck their hair behind their ears when nervous.
How much of that do you pay attention to? Most men don’t pay any attention at all, and that creates issues in their relationships or with the women they’re trying to pursue.
Why? Because they fail to identify and realize that that woman is now most likely somewhat insecure, wondering if she’s truly loved. Those little details — and noticing them — matters.
Trust me when I say that the more attention to detail you exhibit in a genuine capacity (because they can sniff through the bullshit), the deeper she’ll believe you care about her.
Not understanding the importance of nonverbal communication
What do you see in the photo above? I asked a close male friend of mine that question. He responded with, “A REALLY hot chick!”
I asked him if he noticed anything about her nonverbal communication. His response?
My older brother said he saw an attractive woman playing with her hair. When asked about her nonverbal communication, he responded with, “She’s DEFINITELY down to f**k!”
I get why women hate men. I really do.
You’re probably wondering what I see? I don’t see just an attractive woman, and I do know what nonverbal communication is.
If her and I were at a party, and I saw her looking at me that way, I’d take it as an invitation to approach her and see what happens from there. Why?
Because I see an attractive woman with a flirtatious, almost sensual gaze on her face. I’d be stupid not to try to “shoot my shot” if she looked at me that way.
Nonverbal communication is everything to women. It’s why they can say they’re fine when asked if they’re okay with conviction yet convey with their body language (a form of nonverbal communication) that they are not, in fact, okay.
The more you understand this, the better your relationship will be, or the better you’ll fare with the women you’re trying to pursue.
Having little to no sense of fashion
Women like a man who knows how to put effort into his sense of style.
Sometimes even I don’t understand why this matters so much, but then I ask myself if I’d want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to dress themselves?
Of course not.
The same can be said for women, usually more so than for men. Knowing you not only know how to dress yourself but can impress with your wardrobe is a turn-on and a sigh of relief — because no woman really enjoys having to pick out their partner’s outfits.
Besides, whether you realize it or not, as a man, you’re no longer representing just yourself once you start dating. Your appearance matters.
No emotional intelligence
What exactly is emotional intelligence? Without being overly verbose, it’s being aware of, controlling, and expressing one’s emotions — all while handling one’s interpersonal relationships well.
That means being aware of the emotions of others too.
What does this have to do with women? If you aren’t aware, they’re the gender that’s better at dealing with and processing emotions.
They’re also led by emotions more than men. After all, women are complex emotional creatures. They can switch from happy and upbeat to downtrodden and melancholic faster than a Google search.
Sometimes even they don’t understand why this happens. It’s part of what makes them feel batshit crazy.
Do you have the emotional intelligence to recognize those emotional shifts and respond in a manner that doesn’t do any damage — but actually helps?
If not, you’ll find yourself in hot water more often than not. Don’t be the guy that gets comfortable sleeping on a couch or loses opportunities with amazing women.
Realize that most of the time you won’t be the cause of the emotional shifts. Usually, you’re just the scapegoat. If you’re smart AND emotionally intelligent, you won’t take it personally.
The wisest men I know understand this and live by it. In the end, they usually receive a heartfelt apology from their partner, explaining where their head was at during their moment of temporary insanity.
It also leads to that woman feeling more comfortable and secure, fortifying your relationship or prospect at having one.
Lack of stability
Stability is the same thing as consistent. It’s being solid in the face of anything and everything, no matter the amount of adversity. That’s important to women. Here’s why.
Back when I was working my first sales job, I had a colleague who an older female coworker found very attractive. She’d say something to make him smile, then compliment his “veneer quality teeth.”
They got close. I know because I sat next to him and across from her. All of a sudden, they were taking their lunch breaks together. Things seemed to be progressing in a positive direction. Still, I was concerned.
He was at the time, in my opinion, very emotionally immature, partly from having an entitlement mentality due to his parent’s financial affluence, and partly from being incredibly self-centered.
Eventually she noticed those qualities. When she started to challenge that part of him, he came complaining to me, wondering if it was time to break up. I couldn’t convince him that what he was considering was a mistake. So, he broke up with her.
In the aftermath, she described him as too unstable for her, and made her question if dating younger men was even worth it anymore. Stability was a non-negotiable to her.
The most obvious form of stability has to do with money, but if you ask me, that isn’t the most important. Emotional stability, which grows the more emotionally intelligent you are, is far more superior. Having both is a plus.
What women want to see is someone who is consistently impressive because they’ve put in the work to become that way. After all, no NBA player captivates fans without putting in 10,000+ hours of practice before they ever get drafted.
In a similar vein, when you’re stable all across the board, you make it easier for any woman to become comfortable with you, believing they genuinely landed a quality guy.
Last but not least, if you’re stable, and she’s comfortable with you, you will see how little money can matter to her. You don’t have to be a millionaire to land yourself a queen. You just have to be worth it.
Stability is a major part of what makes you worth it.
Lack of tenderness
Let me start this off with a disclaimer — being tender DOES NOT mean the same thing as being soft or weak. I’ve seen several guys interpret tenderness that way. It makes me glad I actually spend time studying words I don’t know.
Tenderness is the same thing as being gentle or kind. In short, a gentleman. This quality should be exhibited at all times, no matter what.
Say, for instance, as someone who is dating a woman, you’ve finally gotten to the point where she wants to come over to your house. You invite her over. Eventually, this happens regularly, and now she’s comfortable at your place.
One night while over, you start to feel as though something is wrong. She seems upset, not because of anything she’s said or done (so far), but because her energy feels off.
Gently poking and probing hasn’t yielded any positive results, so you turn to humor, trying to make faces and tell jokes that’ll make her smile. Her response?
“What on Earth makes you think I’m in a laughing mood?”
Annoyed, you tell her you were just trying to make her feel better. It bothers you that she didn’t admit to being upset but readily took out her emotions on you, however small, with her tone when asking that question.
A fight takes place as a result. You end up yelling, which causes her to break down.
Are you in the wrong as a male?
If you’ve been paying close attention to this article, you’ll see a theme — all of these areas of opportunity are all linked, however small the connection.
For example, a man that knows how and when to exhibit tenderness is an emotionally intelligent man — who usually understands the importance of stability.
In this case, any man who yells is in the wrong. I’ve personally seen the power of tenderness when dealing with a female who doesn’t seem as though she’ll be receptive to my gentleness.
I had a girlfriend who was upset with me because I told her it was necessary to just agree to disagree while we were debating about something. She got super upset, then told me I NEEDED to see things her way.
I refused to do that, so she stormed out of my bedroom. A couple of minutes later, she came back in, sat on the edge of the bed, and slumped over in a defeated posture.
I said nothing for a while, then apologized for upsetting her. That surprised her because she was used to emotionally immature boyfriends who would’ve turned to bickering and fighting instead of trying to understand what they did to unintentionally trigger her.
Tears were shed, along with an explanation that showed the deeper root cause behind why she said I had to see things her way. I realized that, in spite of the emotional outburst, her perspective was perfectly rational; it just needed a thorough explanation.
That’s why, to this day, I believe women are complex, not complicated. They have more intricately designed layers when compared to men.
The tenderness I showed my girlfriend at the time made it possible for her to calm down and eventually open up, which wouldn’t have taken place otherwise.
I think it’s safe to say that, unless you’re hardwired differently, all men interested in women want to make and keep their partner happy.
In spite of this, we aren’t perfect. Sometimes we need help. A lot of us just don’t know where to go when necessary.
Other times, pride gets in the way of us seeing things clearly. We refuse to let go of that part of ourselves that keeps us from moving in the right direction, leading to pettiness, grudges, and all other manner of gross emotional conduct.
What matters more to you as a man — preserving your ego— or keeping your partner happy?
Like I said at the beginning, this is not an all-exhaustive list. It’s my attempt at helping my gender, irrespective of age, understand some major red flags and turn-offs to women when you’re trying to pursue them.
I’ve learned all of these things from women myself, whether I was in a relationship, Face Timing one of my sisters, or out at a local Starbucks having a deep conversation about life as a woman with one of my friends over chai tea lattes.
It is my sincerest hope and desire that these focal points do the same amount of good for you as they did for me.
Until next time.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
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|Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box
|The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
|What We Talk About When We Talk About Men
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